This One’s For The Ladies
“I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.”
-The Notorious R.B.G., Ruth Bader Ginsburg https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/movie-news/watch-ruth-bader-ginsburg-talk-sexism-equality-in-new-doc-trailer-124574/
How do we do the impossible? We are not up against the goal; nor ourselves, but we are at odds with the doubts that claim to be ours—that hold us prisoner.
Even our intimate partners are trained by patriarchal society to use microaggressions to wear us down. We are conditioned by the same force to allow this undermining behavior; which turns our inner voice against us.
Although we are much better off than our ancestors who were sold as property, and who were killed for infidelity or less, we still have miles to go before we’ve reached equality for women. Twenty percent of my college class in my STEM field were women: that’s one in five—a far cry from half.
When I applied for a Master’s program, also in a STEM field, I was eight months pregnant. When I appealed the committee’s initial decision, one of the admissions counselors looked at my pregnant body and told me—with a misguided smile—to go home and take care of my baby.
I listened; and every voice around me cheered that now I could be a full-time mother. I didn’t understand why they were so happy while I was losing my dream of working towards an advanced education.
Believing my career had to revolve around my kids, I explored other, more flexible careers that I’d hoped could work around my kids’ schedules. The jobs I’d explored were; tutoring, acting, writing, teaching, sales, and wholesale real estate. Most of these had dead ends for me.
Although I still nourish my dream of monetizing my writing, I’ve hungered as well to come back to a STEM related career.
A rocket scientist for NASA, Olympia LePoint’s experience fanned the tiniest ember still faintly glowing in my heart for STEM. Following her advice, other motivators’ advice, awakened the ghost of a flame that had been dormant in me for over a decade. https://impacttheory.com/episode/olympia-lepoint/
I felt inspired to attend a career fair for a large design company. With my resume and enthusiasm, I dominated a recruiter’s attention for twenty minutes. He introduced me to several other company representatives at the fair. He seemed genuinely excited about my abilities, and even talked salary before I left.
My hopes were high. Then the next day when he and his colleagues took a closer look at my resume, they changed their tune. The new message I understood is that I’d been a mom for ten years since my graduation, with only a hint of the careers relevant enough to include on my resume.
The managers would only be interested in interviewing me if I added a current two-year tech program to my resume. It sounds simple now. But at that time, I was nearing a breakdown after several years of coordinating and fighting for extensive developmental services for my son with special needs.
So, battling a letdown after believing I was about to get an engineering job—that I’d wanted, deep down, since getting turned down from a Masters engineering program—I started looking up scholarships and two-year programs.
I didn’t get far with the search before my eight-year-old with severe autism had one of his frequent meltdowns. It was one of the unmanageable meltdowns that we had to wait for it to pass over. After following the BIP (Behavior Intervention Plan) from his BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst, or team lead) I shut myself in my closet, while my son screamed and kicked the door repeatedly.
I leaned against the door to keep it shut, to prevent him from hurting me and vice versa. When you’re that stressed—when survival instinct can threaten to compete with parental instinct—barriers and boundaries are essential to keep everyone safe; to make sure no one crosses a line.
I was so depleted and discouraged, I believed that I couldn’t do this. The gap felt too big to learn what I needed to become hire-able in these circumstances, and to make enough money to take care of my son who required RBTs (Registered Behavior Technicians) $17/hour to care for him in my place during potential work hours–this in addition to the cost of bills.
The high cost of his childcare in particular was one of the motivators for continuing to pursue more flexible career options with less childcare required.
I’ve been writing material, essentially unpaid for years. My next project is a book that I started with a scene written in middle school; and though I’d completed other projects—a couple of screenplays and a novella—I’d been running out of steam like David Goggins during his second attempt to break the Guinness world pull up record (he got it on his third attempt!). The way he wrote about muscle failure during one of the attempts is the way my mind and soul turned after my unfruitful attempts to find a way to financially care for myself and my children long-term. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41721428-can-t-hurt-me
I’d been pushing myself for so long with insufficient results it’s like my soul shut down, draining my strength and rendering most motivation tools temporarily ineffective for me.
The impending breakdown arrived. I was so close to the edge I literally felt I was losing my mind. A family crisis representative through DSPD (Department of Services for People with Disabilities) called the kids’ father, my ex-husband. Though he was already contributing a substantial amount, the crisis representative convinced him to meet me halfway and take the full half of custody he was allotted. Even before this, he’d stepped up beyond what most men do for their children even when they are still married. Society should help encourage this to become the new normal for everyone.
Children need their fathers as much as they need their mothers. Equivalently, women are needed as much as men in the workforce. What men and women can contribute together is—I dare to stipulate—exponentially higher than our individual contributions.
The field I’m currently looking into—devops—employs 28 men for every 1 woman. Reference: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/does-devops-have-gender-problem-stephen-thair
Because of our brain’s mirror neuron systems, we imitate what we see. Since women are virtually invisible in devops careers, women coming into the professional world are negatively influenced by that in a real, direct way. *One of my sisters, who is a single mother also, recently broke this barrier for me, and showed me that it’s possible, being a living example in devops, herself!
Before that I’d been affected by seeing other mothers in the autism community feel pushed to quit their full time careers to be full time parents or work part time to take care of their children’s needs. I wanted to believe I could do it, but with all the evidence I’d seen, and from the barriers I faced, it didn’t feel possible.
Furthermore, it’s no wonder the numbers for men in those careers are much higher than for women when admissions counselors—guards at the formal education gate—will never be inadvertently influenced by a man’s pregnant body. On that note, people don’t ask men where their kids are, but they often ask a woman; “Who’s watching your kids?”, as if her presence in the workplace is unwarranted.
Not only do we face microaggressions from men, but also from each other AND from our own minds. The admissions counselor who denied my engineering Master’s application was a woman.
On top of that, the doubts inside my own head have fed off of all the external obstacles. If they didn’t; then I’d have already overcome them. Now I am learning how to effectively detach from those external obstacles and give my mind new food.
A mentor recently suggested I should explore other options, inferring that if I wanted to do programming, I’d be doing it already.
What he doesn’t see from the outside is that I am fighting every obstacle to become a devops engineer, or a professional in a similar field. For women and other minorities, that decision doesn’t pay off overnight; especially for a single mother of a special needs child.
Dr. Ali Griffith of Mompreneurs gave me this inspiring advice;
“We can; it just takes longer for us.” https://thedraligriffithshow.podbean.com/
After my initial attempt, now 11+ years ago, I’ve finally succeeded in taking a measurable step forward in STEM; I completed one basic computer programming course. I am on my way to the next course; building my skills and experience to update my resume so I can be marketable in a field that makes my brain happy.
One of the doubts I face is whether the kids will be okay with less of my attention.
I am working to convince myself that they’ve reached a developmental place in their lives when they’re ready for the next stage; for me to lead by a full-time example. I believe as I demonstrate it’s not only possible to live my dream; but to actually live the dream is the best way I can lead my children to live their dreams.
When doubts creep up in their minds I can help my children overcome them, teaching them the tools I’ve been using to overcome mine, and achieve the impossible.
Brethren, I don’t need you to take your feet off my neck. Cause I’m a beast! I’ma throw your feet off of me!
Universe Rules 