Love may be the most daunting step toward happiness. Fully loving yourself means accepting all parts of yourself, and risking getting hurt. What would it take to welcome every side of you into the world, and invest in building something bigger than yourself with a community?
It takes time and going through a little pain to avoid a deeper pain. We can choose which pain we experience.
Sometimes we may choose a greater pain in the long run by frequently choosing to delay pain rather than deal with it in the moment. I’d rather choose the pain that leads to less pain in time.
Though it was hard to quit paid work, to work fulltime unpaid and advocate for special needs resources in the school system for my son and kids with similar needs, I made the choice, because the supports were not available to him, though legally they should have been. People with autism do exponentially better in the long run when they receive the appropriate developmental supports early. And the law in my country states that every child has the right to a Free and Appropriate Public Education.
During the six years that I worked without pay for my son to receive his civil rights, it was unclear how long it would take to obtain the services he needed in schools. I was losing opportunity costs in my career, and confidence as many people around me, even close friends repeatedly told me I needed to get a job. My son was suffering immensely at the hands of people in a system stubbornly resisting progress. It was such a painful and intense, ongoing fight, that I developed two additional disorders during that time under the pressure.
Even though it definitely was not easier for those years, it would be better in the long run.
Was it worth the fight? Yes, because I did what was needed for the people I am responsible for.
What pleasure or good feelings came out of the investment?
I was not going to be like my dad and just walk away and take care of only me. I refused to put that unbearable pain on someone else. I stopped the cycle and made life better for both of my children, and hopefully for all the lives I’ve touched, as those around me have made life better for me and my family.
Choose the pain that makes life better.
It may be painful to confront yourself, the state of your life, and the choices you have in front of you, but it’s possible to choose the path that will bring more pleasure in the future than the path of least resistance with more pain later.
Facing yourself is no joke. I used to cry when I would see myself in the mirror. I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I wrote positive affirmations all over the mirror so I could hardly see my face through the words.
A good friend of mind, who understood I was struggling with accepting myself, posed a helpful question to ask;
“What would I gain if I looked different?” followed by the question;
“Is it possible to have that now without changing my appearance?”
This was a profound exercise that helped me transform the way I saw myself. Eventually I cleaned my mirror so I could see my true self again. I had wanted to gain things that I didn’t realize I could already find inside me.
Now when I see myself, usually I feel better; I smile at my reflection. I experience brief times of slipping back into old habits, threatening self-hatred. But as long as I put the energy I need back into myself, and keep looking through the right lens, I remember that I don’t need to change anything to see the beauty already shining from my soul.
You can do this exercise with any attribute about yourself that you’re having trouble facing.
“What would you gain if ___________ were different?”
“Can I enjoy ____________ already while in the process of growing?”
The more you love yourself, the easier it will be to love others. If you only love others, you’ll shrink until there is less of you to give and receive love. It’s better to start with self love, so you can sustain your love for others over time.
One of the most difficult things about loving another person or creature is that it puts you in a position that allows you to get hurt. Opening up to love also can create the potential to hurt someone else unintentionally.
With great pleasure comes great pain. But if it is real love, some pain from the connection can heal quickly. Love motivates you to heal wounds you or others may have caused; it motivates you to learn from them, and to cause less pain in the future. Others who truly love you will do the same for you.
Happy Tip #21 Own Your Emotions; Face Your Pain So You Can Move On:
When an emotion gets triggered by an outside influence, acknowledge that this emotion was already inside you.
Triggered emotion:
The person or thing that triggered the emotion simply woke it up in you, allowing you to face it, and/or create a better boundary.
How to process the awakened emotion:
What will you do to establish or reinforce a needed boundary:
How can you turn instant gratification into longterm satisfaction; i.e. What pain are you willing to face now that will make it less likely to experience greater pain later?
Universe Rules 