A Suicide attempt can ruin your life.

I tried it when I was a teenager, and I wish I hadn’t.

I had no idea at that young age what I was feeling or how to make it stop. It felt like the end of the world and that I’d never feel better. From what I’ve learned, that end-of-the-world feeling can come from an anxiety attack, or an intense stress response to a trigger.

A lot of people feel these feelings. We often feel alone or misunderstood with so many people and social signals to learn about. I always had trouble understanding what people meant, and what was socially expected. I usually saw better results in one on one friendships, but well into adulthood including the present I tend to feel outcast in big groups, despite my best efforts and learning continuously how to do better.

It’s easy to feel like I don’t belong, that I’ve messed up big, or that I’ve become a burden, and that all my efforts have amounted to nothing.

I know these things are not true. But back to that catastrophic feeling; these thoughts are the result of anxiety and panic. These disorders can cause chemical imbalances in the brain, and shift a person out of their identity and decision-making center in the frontal lobe, to their amygdala–where suddenly emotions and impulses seem like hard facts; or even all the way down to the brain stem, signaling the necessity of fight or flight.

As a teenager, when faced with catastrophic feelings, my brain stem reaction was flight. Believing that my mother’s life and everyone’s lives would be better or problem-free without me (a covertly narcissistic thought. Obviously people would have their own fair share of problems even without my presence); I thought the logical solution was to disappear.

I don’t want to mention the details of it here, because I don’t think it’s helpful to dwell on that part. But I ended up in a crisis center. I intuited there that if I wanted to be in control of my life, I could not make choices like that.

But the damage was already done. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me. My friendships changed for the worse. Many of my friends perceived me in a new negative light and treated me differently after that. And things were certainly not any easier for my mother. Even though it had been my intention to make things easier for everyone, I went about it completely the wrong way, and got the opposite results.

My attempt as a teenager still follows me, even though it was many years ago. It’s on my medical record, and may be the reason no doctor will prescribe me the medicine that will actually benefit me the most during the panic and anxiety attacks that I still manage presently. Luckily I’ve matured and learned better and better methods of dealing with catastrophic feelings in the past decades.

As a teenager, it was harder to understand all this. Part of the reason I made the decision I did at the time is that a teenager’s frontal lobe is not fully developed; that doesn’t happen until around age 25. And another big reason is that when a person is in a heightened emotional state, they simply cannot think clearly until the stress cycle has completed, and that emotional wave has passed.

I can think well enough in those moments to articulate clearly, which I think can be confusing for some people. Why am I acting crazy, but talking sanely? My articulation is fine. But the decision-making center is compromised. Remember how Spock was emotionally compromised when he had just lost his mom, so he couldn’t lead the ship, even though logic is his M.O.?

Acting on any impulsive decisions that spring up in emotionally compromised moments can be detrimental. Those kinds of decision ideas are not coming from a real place. They feel very real, even urgent, so it’s hard not to listen to them. But the early life lesson in the crisis center, that I’d lose control of my life if I acted on those kinds of falsely urgent thoughts has stuck with me.

So, if you’re going through something like this, just know, you will likely feel better tomorrow. Next year could be better than you think. Life has a way of balancing things, (trust me, I have a physics degree. Have you heard of the Law of Conservation of Energy? Reassurance of balance is all in there.)

If it seems really bad now, then likely something really good is around the corner, so just hang on a little longer, simplify your expectations of today, and cut out any unnecessary stressors. It may seem urgent, but it’s not worth giving your life for it. If it feels like it is absolutely too much to handle, just cancel that looming appointment, even if it feels like you shouldn’t. Take that break. Breathe deep and long. You have everything you need in you to make it ’til tomorrow, to turn things around if that’s what you want.

You can. You don’t have to, but you can if you choose. Just let this wave pass. Listen to your body, and let this stress response complete, so you can move past it and feel safe again.

Ultimately, a suicide attempt can have long-lasting effects on your life and those around you. However, it’s important to remember the catastrophic feelings that lead to such a decision are often the result of anxiety and panic, and not a reflection of reality. With time, maturity, and better coping mechanisms, it is possible to manage these emotions and find a way forward. If you or someone you know is struggling, remember that help is available and it’s okay to reach out. Let’s work together to create a world where mental health is a top priority, and everyone can live happy, healthy lives.

Check out Ember Levy’s Happy Tips book for more resources and support.